Dating a wheelchair user is precisely like dating another human being but with one big twist: you will be forced to comfort the ingrained discrimination against the disabled. No matter how progressive a country or individual thinks they are regarding disability rights and accessibility, there is a long way to go. It’s an eye-opener. But if you are open to learning and listening, you’ll be fine.
Communication is the essential rule for dating someone in a wheelchair. Be flexible and listen. Never make assumptions, including whether they want help being pushed or not, if an activity is something they can do or not, and in what way they can be intimate.
The most challenging part of dating a person with a disability or chronic illness is confronting your own misconceptions and stereotypes. Some people handle these revelations more gracefully than others. If you are the sort that can just nod your head and make notes to do better next time, excellent. But if you are the type to get defensive or angry, then maybe you’re not ready to date…anyone.
8 Things Wheelchair Users Want Their Dates To Know
Let’s get one thing out of the way: nobody wants to be dated for “woke” points or due to a fetish. Like anyone else, a disabled person wants to be dated for who they are as a human being, not to make someone look open-minded, to irritate their close-minded family, or because they have some sexual fantasy that involves a wheelchair.
But if you are reading this because you’ve met this fabulous person who uses a wheelchair and just wants to know how to minimize putting your proverbial foot in your mouth, by all means, read on.
1. Communication Is Key To Dating A Person In A Wheelchair
Communication is the most crucial element of any relationship, including dating a person in a wheelchair. Almost all faux pas in dating comes down to assumptions rather than having a conversation or double-checking. So regardless if it is as mundane as going dancing or gearing up to get sweaty between the sheets: discuss, don’t assume.
2. Don’t Be Shocked If A Wheelchair User Can Move Their Legs
One of the biggest misconceptions is that wheelchair users have no use of their legs. The reality is that only a small number of wheelchair users can’t move their legs at all. Many can stand. There are those that can even walk. Some people use them as their primary means of mobility. But others may only use them for certain circumstances.
Don’t be shocked if you meet a person in a wheelchair but they show up to the date on crutches. Also, they’re not faking or “tricking” you or necessarily “getting better.” Instead, they just may be one of the many ambulatory wheelchair users who use a variety of mobility tools depending on their health that day, the type of activity, and the duration of an outing.
3. Learn Wheelchair Etiquette
Learning wheelchair etiquette before a first date will save loads of foot-in-the-mouth moments. Some tips to remember:
- Don’t touch or push somebody’s chair without asking first
- Don’t hang something, like a tote bag or jacket, on somebody’s chair without asking
- Don’t treat somebody’s wheelchair like a grocery basket or backpack to haul stuff
- If pushing, don’t “let go” as a prank; that’s cruel
- Never “help” get a person down some stairs face first; turn the chair around
- Listen before trying to push them through doorways, as it might be too small
4. Refrain From Telling A Wheelchair User They’re “An Inspiration”
Don’t tell a wheelchair user that they’re “such an inspiration” or “so inspiring” just for existing. Think about it. Would you say to a person they are so inspiring because of their:
- Skin color
- Gender
- Height
It is natural on dates to share our stories and learn about one another. Sometimes we are inspired by something another person has done. For example, if you are scared of heights and just discovered your date has skydived, go ahead and be in awe.
But simply finding someone inspiring for existing is awkward. Also, nobody wants to hear, “Well, if I were in a wheelchair, I’d…”
- Kill myself
- Would be miserable
- Couldn’t handle it
Instead, those are conversations and thoughts to work out with your therapist, not your date.
5. Remember That A Wheelchair Is A Mobility Aid, Not A Trap
Remember that a wheelchair is a mobility aid giving the user freedom. A person is not “trapped” in their wheelchair; it is a tool to get around. Similarly, people are not “trapped” by their glasses; they are a tool to see.
The challenges of navigating society and spaces are not because of the chair but lack of accessibility. The chair isn’t too wide to go through a doorway, and it is the doorway that was made too narrow. It isn’t the chair that can’t get onto the bus. It is the transpiration system that has failed to provide buses that are wheelchair accessible.
6. Don’t Discount An Activity Before Researching It
Don’t discount an activity before researching and discussing it with your date. Sure, not every wheelchair user enjoys going ziplining or kayaking. But some do. Thus, just as you would with any date, find out what they enjoy doing. Also, suggests things you like doing, such as dancing, and find out if they’d appreciate that activity too.
After you know what activities you and your date enjoy, look into places accessible to wheelchair users. Many establishments and businesses have equipment that allows an activity to be enjoyed by disabled people, including ziplining and kayaking. However, you sometimes have to mention it in advance, so the equipment and people to operate it are available and ready.
7. Research Accessibility When Booking And Planning Dates
If you book the date, you’ll have to ensure the plan is accessible and pleasant. For example, a restaurant might have a ramp, but where do they put the table for a wheelchair user? By the bathroom? Practically in the kitchen?
Speaking of the bathroom, plenty of restaurants are wheelchair accessible for the main dining area, but the toilets are “just a few steps down this corridor.”
Transport will also take some planning. Sure, maybe the person has their own vehicle that works with their wheelchair. But if the event involves drinking alcohol, they won’t be able to drive it. So what alternative transport options are there and do they have to be booked ahead?
For example, some trains and subways have to have guards on duty with ramps that they’ll only haul out at specific stations and have to be booked in advance. Some taxis and transportation companies might have a limited number of vehicles that can carry a chair. These may only operate at certain hours or need to be booked in advance rather than just using an app when it is time to go.
8. Some Wheelchair Users Require Extra Flexibility
Like any other human, wheelchair users come with different health issues. Some wheelchair users are healthy and strong; they just need a chair to get around. But some wheelchair users have chronic illnesses that make their lives more unpredictable.
If your date is in the latter category, they may require flexibility and understanding about last-minute cancellations and changing plans. Yes, they were looking forward to the date, but now they’ve got a migraine. Yes, they were excited about going rafting, but that’s too intense for today, and now they need a gentler outing.
People with chronic illnesses want to have fun and look forward to activities. They don’t want you to take their cancellations personally. Nor do they need anyone adding guilt because X would have been much more fun than doing Y. They wanted to do X too. But their body isn’t letting them today. They don’t need to carry your disappointment in addition to their own.
Conclusion
Dating someone in a wheelchair is like dating any other human: it will go better with open and honest communication. This isn’t to say the date will go well. Many relationships have failed because the couple could not agree if pineapple belongs on pizza. It’s a touchy subject, and best to get it out of the way as soon as possible.